Nige 54 - The Column



April 2005


I read something really interesting the other day. It related to how every day reality actually really sucks and that many people in their mid to late 20s are experiencing a so called quarter life crisis.

The main quote from this article was as follows,
"...we're confronted with film and television which shows a world that's incredibly rich and full of possibilities, and yet the real world that we enter when we finally hit the workforce is much more constrained and much more mundane and we (soon realise) that the world isn't our oyster..."
Mmmmm, I think there might be something in that for all of us.

However, having said that, I wonder if anyone experiencing a quarter life crisis has bought a copy of 'Around The World In 80 Babes!' and is banging hot babes on a regular basis?

Mmmmm, I think we all know the answer to that, JACK!

Now, I have mail.
Nige 54,

I have a very difficult situation.

I am a 43 year old man living in New York City. I had a long (over 4 years) relationship with a beautiful woman (now 29), who left me recently supposedly to take a break. She moved back to Miami and after thinking about it, I went down there to propose to her a couple of months later. She turned me down. She said things like, "it is too late", "didn't think it would take 4 years" etc. She also slammed the door on me with a "Goodbye Sweetheart" email soon thereafter. I entered a deep depression, lost 30 pounds, and reached out to her screaming and crying, even pleading for her to come back. I know, really bad emotional blackmail.

In various phone conversations since then she has told me all the reasons she could not picture being happy with me and she and I both reviewed all our problems. I did treat her beautifully in many ways, but I was too temperamental and argumentative and I wasn't there for her enough at some key moments. Most of the shortcomings were certainly mine due to my selfishness and a fragile ego. I also had anger problems and was definitely way too slow in committing as we were not even living together. I have admitted these and apologized many times.

She seems to have totally forgiven me and moved on - saying first not to worry, she still loved me. Then saying she was trying to see if she still loved me. And finally saying she wasn't in love with me any more. She told me to let her be, to let her live her life and that I should move on.

The problem is that I am still passionately in love with her. I can't think of a more wonderful woman in the world and now that I've learned so much about my shortcomings with her and about how to love in general I am sure we'd be as close to perfect for each other as possible. But she says she is not in love with me and I always get silence or a definite no - even to the possibility of ANY future togetherness. All I want is HER and as soon as possible!

HOWEVER, she is now saying that she has moved on, doesn't want to risk it (I think she is dating someone regularly) and that she doesn't want me to come down to Miami. She says she is "happier down there" and "in love with being happy". And I respect and admire her for it even though now I literally can't find pleasure in the slightest of things. I can't even enjoy beautiful days, beautiful trees, ANY music, dance, sports, food, anything! I feel she is my best chance at happiness and it really did feel like we were soul mates in many ways.

But she thinks she couldn't be happy with me. Although I in no way hear anything resembling hate or resentment she makes it CLEAR that her heart is NOT jumping, and she does NOT want to even TRY to get back together and she insists I move on and start dating. Her family hates me too and now after all the crying and screaming and deep clinical depression, they all, including her, probably think I'm a bit nuts! She also INSISTS that the most I could ever hope for is 'friends'. I've even so much as said that when she turned me down, it felt like she was my last, best chance! YIKES!

Is there anything I can do? Please be HONEST. How could this possibly work?? All I want to do is move down there and live with her and spend the rest of my life devoted to her and being good to her and experiencing lifelong happiness.

Thanks,

Todd - New York, U.S.A.

G'day Todd,

Ok, the way I operate is that I will tell you the absolute truth as to what I am thinking without any bullshit. I have re-read your email a number of times, have stripped back the emotions and I will now tell you what I believe the situation to be.....
  1. Despite what you may think, you need to understand that THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER! Sorry, to be so harsh but the fact is that this woman has moved on with her life, she is dating other guys and unfortunately mate, you are nothing more than a memory......and perhaps even a slightly pathetic one considering that you have been crying, pleading and begging her to come back. (I told you I wouldn't hold back didn't I?!)

  2. Understand that this woman was probably thinking of breaking up with you three to six months before it happened. This is what woman do and part of that break up was moving back to Miami. So when you showed up with a ring, this was perhaps nine months after she started clearing her mind of you so no wonder she turned you down!

  3. You had your chance and you already know the mistakes you made. Yes Todd, she could have been yours but YOU stuffed up! Again, sorry to be harsh but YOU need to understand this, accept it and move on otherwise you will struggle to find inner peace. Relax, breathe and accept it that you stuffed it. The fact that you admit that you have a fragile ego, are selfish, have anger issues and have a slow ability to commit shows that you know what you did wrong. But MOST IMPORTANTLY, if one of her friends gave her the book "He's Just Not That Into You", she would have read it and thought you were never that serious about her because you are 43 and are still struggling to find a reason to move in with her! She would have asked herself, "What is he waiting for??? He's 43!" You actually might have even given the impression that you were waiting for something better to come along and only realised how wonderful she was AFTER she left you. By that time it was too late and showing up with a ring would have made you look like a chump.

  4. The other thing to remember here mate is that dating a woman so much younger than you might have put you in a no win situation to begin with. Therefore, please read the third question in my September 2003 column.

  5. Now I want to ask the question - you're 43 and probably EXTREMELY LUCKY to be dating a babe that is so young so, WHAT WERE YOU WAITING FOR???
Ok, thank god I have got that out of my system! Phew!!

So how can we fix this situation? Well, as you know what you did wrong, hopefully you have learned from it and will now dedicate yourself to become a better man - I can help you with this but you will need to purchase one of my dating packages as I would be writing you a short novel if I were to speak about it now. By the way, you also need an immediate change of mindset so grab a copy of my book - at the very least it will end the depression in your life as it is such an entertaining read! Sorry for the shameless self promotion, but it is true!!

Once you have done this we can talk about how to move on, be a better man, end the depression and start dating again OR how to put yourself in a position to give yourself the 0.001% opportunity to get her back (sorry, but your odds are that small!) I can feel your pain and am very interested to ensure that you can move on, become more masculine and 'get back in the game' so that in a few months time this woman is all but a distant memory......or lying next to you if you are able to pull off the unthinkable!

Hope to hear from you soon.

Best Regards,

Nige 54
King Nigester

I have just come out of a relationship and am literally hopeless at talking to women in bars, clubs and most other social situations (the first time I met my ex she simply approached me and did all the talking). So how can I hone my skills to ensure I reach the heights of your esteemed self and ultimately, so I can start getting some action?

Travis - Manhattan, New York

Trav,

The ability to speak to the babes and create interesting and humourous conversation is of massive importance. Infact many hot babes often complain how ordinary most guys are at creating the kind of conversation that will get their juices flowing, so yeah, it is without question that it is a skill that needs to be mastered if you want to take yourself to the next level.

Now I am asked this question a lot and besides the excellent advice you will find in 'Around The World In 80 Babes!' there are two key ways that you can use to learn your craft, especially when you are effectively starting from the beginning:
  1. Practice talking to strangers, including people of the same sex - I know this may sound a bit weird, but in every single social situation that you find yourself in from now on, practice talking to everyone you meet. Practice making interesting conversation, practice being entertaining and practice being humourous. Do you notice what the key word is here? If you stuff up, it never matters because all of these people are strangers.

  2. Practice talking to chicks that are paid to talk to you - Now I am not talking about prostitutes because they are paid to have sex with you. But did anyone ever realise that babes who work in retail stores are infact paid to walk up to you and start conversation? How cool is that?? So if you go to a large shopping mall you can literally find hundreds of girls who will happily walk up and talk to you and you can then use this opportunity to try out what comments actually make them laugh and those which do not. You can have so much fun doing this and as always, if you stuff up, you can always walk to the next store.
Talking to retail chicks is an awesome way to suss out some new techniques and strategies while pretending to be interesting in whatever it is they are trying to sell you. Infact pretending that you are buying a dress for an imaginary girlfriend could bring you some excellent results especially if you ask questions like, "So where are you and your friends heading out tonight?" and "What do you normally do for fun?" Who knows where the answers to those questions could lead?!

Trav, in all instances and as you are currently very inexperienced, use this time to try every strategy and tactic you can think of so you can discover what works for YOU. In the beginning you are going to fuck up time and time again, but that's how you learn. And remember, in these early stages, if a woman isn't interested in you, then forget about her and simply move to the next one. You may have a long way to go here and this may seem like a tough mountain to climb, but the sooner you start, the sooner you will start seeing results.

Thankfully you are in New York and have an absolute plethora of babes to practice on and to learn the craft.

Good luck - now get to work!

King Nigester (well according to you anyway!)
Nige 54,

I have to tell you that I am having the best time!

I have been banging this married chick who is in her early 30s and the sex is just amazing - and I picked her up at a bar about 10 minutes after I saw her husband leave!!

I bet you've done something similar. How cool am I?

Will - Coogee, New South Wales

Will,

Would you be offended if I said, not that cool at all? Infact, very uncool.

Have you ever thought that in this scenario where you think you are dominating by banging a married chick that she is infact the winner because she is banging two guys?!

And no, I have not done something similar as while I do enjoy picking up all types of hot babes, I have never involved myself with married chicks. That is where I draw the line.

Will, the primary reason that you should not involve yourself with a married person is that you could be seriously endangering your lifestyle. Think about it......does this woman's husband own a gun?

There is not much more that needs to be said here but may I suggest that you end this relationship and head down to the Coogee Bay Hotel and start afresh. But having said that, as I think back to the saying, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", the fact is that you could further endanger your lifestyle by dumping her.

Man, look at this situation - keep banging her and you could be risking a beating from her husband, but dump her and you're definitely screwed.

Will, it's been nice knowing you.

Nige 54

Email: nige54@nige54.com