Nige 54 - The Column August 2005 After the events of last weekend, we have no time for an introduction so let's dive straight in! Ok, so we may only be at the month of August but my mind is already starting to think about the 2005 Nige 54 Awards - otherwise known as 'The Nigesters' - which will be awarded in December. The reason for this......well I think I may already have THE nightclub story for 2005. The following is the kind of story that I would normally save for future books but as I simply can't find the time to write them unless I can win myself a publishing contract (hint, hint) I thought 'what the hell' as this story is just too good to hold back. THE PLACE: Saturday night at 'Motel' in South Melbourne. THE TIME: A few moments before midnight. On this particular evening I had literally just walked through the door and was settling down to my first beer with my partner in crime for the evening Paul, when all the action started. Paul and I were hanging out at the bar and admiring some of the lovely ladies as they walked through the door when I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a rather saucy lass sidle up and position herself between us. Paul began the conversation, "I think the words you are after begin with 'excuse me'." "Oh sorry, excuse me but can I just get to the bar?" she said. "Sure, but of course we'll be needing your name first," I said. "Hi, I'm Katie." "Nice to meet you Katie. I'm Nige and this is Paul," I said shaking her hand and the conversation began. Simple as that. Now unlike most Melbourne chicks, Katie actually knew how to have a conversation and hardly possessed any kind of attitude. This was refreshing to say the least, especially in a place like 'Motel'. In describing Katie, I would probably class her as a definite 7 out of 10 which could move to a 7.5 or even a 7.75 if she toned up her ass and glammed up a little more. Anyway - Katie, Paul and I were only two or three minutes into our conversation when she again asked what we both did for a living as she had already forgotten. Not the sharpest knife in the draw perhaps! "I am a builder and a part time porn star," Paul said. "Ha, I bet you are!" Katie commented. "And I work in the city in a corporate role and I am also an author," I added. "Yeah bullshit you're an author!" Katie exclaimed. "Well actually he is," Paul said. "Yeah right! The next thing you'll be telling me is that he is the author of 'Around The World In 80 Babes!'" Katie stated. Let's all pause here and just think about that comment for a moment. Now at this point Paul and I burst into uncontrollable laughter as we could not believe what we had just heard. "What's so funny guys?" Katie asked. "He...he is infact the author of...of 'Around The World In 80 Babes!'" Paul said in between bursts of laughter. "Yeah bullshit..." "No seriously I am. I could even go out to my car and grab a copy of the book right now," I said while still trying to control my laughter. "Ok, go on then," Katie replied. "Well what are you going to do if I come back in with a copy of my book and therefore prove that I am infact the author?" I asked. "I'll buy you a drink..." "No way, you are going have to do A LOT better than that!" Paul said. "Ok what then?" Katie asked. "Well if I prove to you that I am the author, then you have to let me take you out to my car and bang your brains out," I said. "Ok, you're on!" Katie replied thinking that this was some kind of joke. "Paul, you make sure Katie stays here and I'll be back in a jiffy." I raced out to my car, grabbed a copy of the book and raced back into 'Motel' to find Katie and Paul still at the bar. "Here you go," I said presenting the book to Katie. Katie looked at the book and looked back at me. She looked at the book again and paused. She then shrugged her shoulders and proceeded to scull her drink. "All right then, let's go to your car," Katie said in a state of bewilderment. After only being at 'Motel' for all of seven minutes, Katie and I began the short walk out of the club to my car and what do you think happened next? Well if we were in America, the U.K. or even Sydney, smart money says that Katie and I would have jumped into the back of my car and dove down into the depths of debauchery for the next half hour to forty-five minutes before I returned to the bar for a celebratory beer and a number of high fives with Paul. But this is Melbourne, so the following should come as no surprise. As Katie and I left 'Motel' she announced to her friends that she would be back soon. Now rather than congratulating Katie for her choice and wishing her well, word was obviously passed around very quickly that perhaps Katie did not know what she was doing because as I was opening the back door to my car to let Katie in, out of 'Motel' came some fat chick running towards us struggling to build up any steam as her two huge ass cheeks weighed her down like a pair of concrete shoes. "Noooooo! Stop! STOP!" said this fat hippo as she eventually made her way over to my car gasping for breath. "Katie what do you think you are doing?!" shouted the hippo as she dragged Katie away from me and started marching her back towards 'Motel'. "I'm fine," said Katie, "this guy is the author of 'Around The World In 80 Babes!'" "I don't care who he is, you're going back inside and YOU can fuck off," said hippo girl to me. "Hey, don't get mad at me," I said surprised by this fat chick's hostility (but then again, she is a frustrated hippo) "Katie was totally up for this......Katie ditch your hippopotamus of a friend and come back!" I shouted. "Sorry I want to but she won't let me......come and find me when you come back in," Katie said as hippo girl led her back into the club. "Yeah right! As if I am now going to chase her after that," I thought to myself. And that was that. All over in a flash. Now doesn't this situation open up a huge can of worms? This story is the very reason why fat chicks should be seriously legislated against. But more importantly, the question has to be asked as to why the bouncers at 'Motel', who's performance is usually very hard to fault, are allowing such an ordinary fat chick into such a prestigious club? Oh well, that's just the way it goes sometimes. What can you do? So after composing myself I returned to 'Motel' a few moments later and a few of our other mates had rocked up. I told them what had happened and none of them were surprised as to the conclusion as this is Melbourne and as such it is renowned for great situations being ruined by jealous fat chicks. It is probably the first time it has happened to me but as I re-told the story and we all laughed our ass off as to how the whole situation developed, one of the boys said, "Mate, doesn't matter if you got the sex or not, the way you got that babe out of here and nearly into your car still makes this story one for the ages." Nige 54, I was recently out taking a walk with my girlfriend and we ran into her ex-boyfriend. She introduced us and as he seemed like a real twat I had no interest in adding to the conversation so I just ignored him until they had finished chatting and then my girlfriend and I continued walking. But then my girlfriend became instantly upset with me because she thought I was rude to her ex! So how do you deal with ex-boyfriends or do you just never take any gal seriously enough to let it worry you? Come on you must have some serious hidden gems of knowledge to stop you from ever getting jealous. Charles - Dublin, Ireland Charles, The best thing to do is always be as friendly as possible because YOU are the one banging her at the end of the night. Remember, the ex is the one who is still dreaming about her, not you. So in the situation that you described, she probably has some right to be a little pissed at you because after she introduced you to her ex (to undoubtedly show you off) she probably expected you to be THE MAN rather than turn into an insecure boy. Why did you do that mate? You are the man running the show so when you are ever introduced to an ex, ensure that your behaviour outlines to him why she is now with you and not him. Really Charles, it is tough to be jealous when you are actually with the hot chick don't you think? The only way it is possible for this feeling to surface is if your sub-conscious is telling you that you are batting out of your league. I'm sure that is not the case so in future be the MAN, not the boy! I hope that's clear mate and hope I'm not being too harsh, but I do feel that you lost your way there a bit. I have no doubt that you won't let it happen again as it is these little things that girls are famous for making into apparent 'significant reasons' as to why they are no longer attracted to you. Lift your game! Nige 54 Nige, I have recently been referred to your column by my ex-girlfriend of all people and have to say that I am now an official Nigeoholic! I have read every one of your columns and have just ordered a copy of your book. But I wanted to ask you something......in the January 2004 column you talk about a pick up technique called 'The ETAD' and it sounds unbelievable! But does it really work and are you still using it? Mitch - Newcastle, New South Wales Mitch, Your ex-girlfriend recommended my website to you??? Mate, I hope you realise that she is sending you a HUGE message there! Anyway, 'The ETAD' is something I first discovered while I was living in Sydney back in 2003. Having been on hundreds of dates with a variety of delicious babes I suppose, at that time, I had become a little bored with the usual routine of meeting up, having a few drinks, a pash and then some serious pounding. Of course the pounding never gets boring, but I suppose I had become a little tired with the actual process. That of course got me thinking and I wondered how much more fun it would be to reverse that process. Rather than meeting up for drinks and then banging - what about banging first THEN drinks! It is nearly two years later since that discovery and I am happy to say that 'The ETAD' is still a major factor in the old repertoire and after releasing it to the public I have even received reports from a number of gentlemen who have used it successfully. But beware, 'The ETAD' may take some time to master and I take no responsibility for the consequences that may result if you suggest it to the wrong girl at the wrong time. Heh, heh, heh! For the true players out there, I am still yet to hear about the accomplishment of a successful 'ETAD' on the first date. That is without doubt one of the greatest dating challenges that exists and is perhaps the true test of your capabilities. Accomplish that Mitch and you're a superhero. Nige Email: nige54@nige54.com