Nige 54 - The Column September 2004 Rather than write about what a pathetic drama queen Jana Pittman is and how her performance in the Olympics was worse than ordinary (as predicted), or highlight that over here in Melbourne that Spring has arrived and what a travesty of justice it is that Australians do not have any kind of Spring Break celebration, let me switch immediately to the most important news of the month - our own Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins losing her dress in a fashion show! Click on the link below to see Miss Universe's stranded in the middle of the catwalk in nothing but a skimpy top and her G-Banger! Miss Universe Photo Now - I have mail! Nige 54, After Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins lost her dress the other night, much debate exists as to how good her ass is. What are the thoughts from the man who has bent over so many? Keep banging! Alan - Balmain, New South Wales Al, Contrary to the thoughts expressed by most guys since Miss Universe's unveiling, I actually don't think that Miss Universe's ass is anything special. In my experience, the best asses are those that are well defined. By that I mean the ass is toned and clearly separate from the waste and legs unlike Miss Universe where her legs, ass and waist tend to all mesh together. A well toned butt also has a well defined crack leading down to the pussy, whereas Miss Universe's cheeks again mesh together and therefore if you were to bend her over and assume the position, her butt, due to its lack of toning would look squarish rather than nice and tight with each cheek well separated from each other. Clearly, Miss Hawkins has been unable to hit the gym during her hectic travel schedule and while this analysis may sound a little harsh, it is necessary so that she and the loser guys out there saying that her ass is Number One understand that her butt, while very good, is still no where near the true benchmarks set by Pamela Anderson, the WWE's Stacy Keibler and Carmen Electra. Therefore, I'll give Miss Universe's ass a 7.5 out of 10 - very good, but not phenomenal. Nige 54 Nigester I'm a good looking babe and I have a lot of guy friends...I hear that you may have an issue with that? Kisses, Stacey - Fremantle, Western Australia Stacey, I don't have an issue with that, but I think you should. So sit down and get comfortable because it is now time for a lesson from The Nigester. As I speak about in Chapter 8 of "Around The World In 80 Babes", the fact is Stacey that you do not have a lot of guy friends, you simply have a lot of guys hanging around you posing as "friends" whose only objective is to bang you. For some unknown and pathetic reason these "legends of loserville", who I'm sure you consider all to be "lovely guys", are simply hanging around you with the messed up idea that one day you might let your guard down. I find it hilarious that guys prescribe to this theory in their attempts to get laid but as I've said before, "you can't legislate against stupidity!" Naturally you would be convinced that these guys are true friends, so rather than continue to debate this issue, let me present to you the test which unconditionally proves if any of these guys are actually friends.... When you are out with any of these guys in the future, have a few drinks together and enjoy the evening as you usually would. But towards the end of the evening look one of these guys in the eye and suggest that while you are friends you think it would be really fun if you slept together. Now, here is the testing point. If he responses with, "I don't think we should as it will ruin our friendship," then Stacey, you have yourself a true friend. But what is more likely is that this guy will confess that he has always thought the same, can't wait to get your clothes off and has been hanging around you praying that one day you would say that! Sorry to burst your bubble Stacey, but you will find I'm right. The only way for you to find out is to conduct this test for yourself and unless these friends of yours are gay, you will soon gain a full understanding as to what these guys are all about and how they should all "re-assess" their lifestyles. At that point, the first step would be for all of them to immediately order a copy of "Around The World In 80 Babes!" Maybe that's something you should suggest? Nigester Nige 54, I am bamboozled! I met this great chick on Saturday night exchanged numbers with her and now she will not answer her phone. To actually get her to answer I had to hide my number and then, we she did eventually answer, she acted as if she could hardly remember me and then told me that she was actually seeing someone! Why are girls doing this? Melbourne used to be so much fun and such a great place to meet chicks - I think I might head back to London!! Blair - Hawthorn, Victoria Mate! Believe me I know exactly what you mean. Melbourne has really changed in the last five years and after partying around the world for a couple of years and living in Sydney for a year and a half, I have returned to Melbourne and immediately shocked at the attitudes many chicks have. I wouldn't mind so much if all the babes were hot as they then deserve to have some degree of attitude but the attitude of chicks that aren't really that great is laughable. In relation to your issue, girls are famous for "playing games" at nightclubs. This chick's boyfriend was probably at home at the time you met her and she was probably feeling a little bored because he wasn't giving her any attention and therefore became friendly to the first guy who showed some interest. Clearly you impressed her as she then gave you her number. However, the next morning, when quizzed by her boyfriend as to her actions the previous evening, she probably remembered handing out her number to a couple of guys and as such knew that she had to screen her calls over the next few days. Why did she do this? Quite simply, she's a retard and clearly not satisfied with her current relationship. Anyway, the key now is for you to hold her accountable rather than letting her giggle into the sunset otherwise she will just continue this pathetic behaviour. If you can get in touch with her, ask her why she gave out her number, ask her the point of wasting your time and if she hasn't hung up from embarrassment, then you can tell her exactly what you think of her. This process won't get you laid but it will make her think twice before she plays those kind of games again. So is there any hope? Mate there is but the babe pool in Melbourne is never going to be as good as London especially considering London's international flavour. But if you intend on settling in Melbourne, remember that there are plenty of awesome babes out there and they will come to you if you play your cards right and present yourself accordingly. Remember it is a numbers game and the key is to push on instead of allowing one crackwhore to deflate your confidence. And also remember - what goes around comes around - and one day you will be at a bar or club with an awesome babe hanging off your arm while the chick who messed you around stands there single, overweight and with her biological clock ticking. At that point you can get her attention by waving seductively across the room and mouthing to her, "you had your chance." Heh heh heh! Nige 54 Nigester, Congratulations on the 1st birthday of this truly sensational column!! Lovin your work! Wohoo!! Spazman - Mount Eliza, Victoria Thanks mate - couldn't have done it without you! Nigester Email: nige54@nige54.com